You may have a harsh economic reality—raising kids, paying college tuition and doing what you can to assure that your parents’ golden years are golden. To help you out, here are some family gift ideas that won’t cost a dime.
- Gift Idea #1: Begin The Conversation.“I know my parents dreaded telling us kids about the birds and the bees," said Larry, 55. Their obvious discomfort at telling me how my life began is matched by my squirming when we broach the topic about how their lives will end. It’s just too creepy, and I’d rather not think about it.”
In this culture, we have tremendous resistance to the recognition of aging, disability and death. Still, starting the conversation about what will happen when they can no longer care for themselves may be the greatest gift idea you can give your parents and extended family.
The ideal time to begin talking about plans for the future is today, and you begin where you are. Say, “Mom and Dad, it would be great if you lived forever, but the discovery of the fountain of youth is nowhere on the horizon. What thoughts and plans do you have about enjoying your golden years?”
If you’re worried about dampening the festive holiday spirit, here’s what Cathy learned. “We were at Dad’s for Christmas, the first holiday since Mom died. At dinner we did our best to be happy and keep the smiles painted on our faces. We were carefully to avoid landmine topics, like the empty chair at the table or the obvious disarray of the house. Then my niece started crying, and said, ‘I miss Grandma. We didn’t bake cookies like we always do.’ It was as if she broke a spell by telling the truth. We were able to talk about how much we all miss Mom. Then we started telling funny stories about Mom. That brought REAL smiles to our faces.”
Telling the truth about the aging process is liberating. Invite all family members into the conversation.
- Gift Idea #2: Create a plan. Talk with your parents about their ideal plan if they are no longer able to care for themselves. Then start to work toward that proactively. Investigate long-term care insurance. Draw up the appropriate legal documents. Find out who would make medical choices if they are not able to make them on their own, along with some guiding principles for the choices.
You can anticipate and limit parental resistance by saying, “Mom and Dad, I just got back from signing my will and durable medical power of attorney at the lawyer’s office. I’ve asked my husband to make my medical choices if I cannot make them myself. Just so you know, if I were in vegetative state I wouldn’t want to be maintained on a machine. You probably already planned ahead too, right?”
Use personal and community resources. Make caregiving a family job where each member contributes. Even children can make grandma’s life special with drawings and phone calls. Identify services that make your job as a caregiver easier. If you and your parents live in the same community, check with friends, neighbors and local organizations to learn about services and resources that make your job easier. Tell them, “Mom has just moved in with us, and she wants to ‘find a card game with the girls.’ Do you know of any senior centers that have social events? How about transportation?” You might be surprised to get the gift of support that you didn't expect.
- Gift Idea #3: Collect your family medical story. Make a family health tree. Find out who had what illness. How old were they when they were diagnosed? How old were they when they died? This gift idea is a win-win exercise: you gather information that may help you better shape your own health story, and you may hear family stories you never heard before.
- Gift Idea #4: Bury a hatchet. Membership in a family means managing conflict. Unresolved conflict hurts all family members, not just the parties engaged in the conflict. Give yourself the gift of burying one hatchet this holiday season. Perhaps it’s offering a heart-felt apology to a parent. As Rabbi Ted Falcon says, “Your parents do a great job pushing your buttons. They installed them!”
Maybe it’s deciding to forgive one family member for one thing. This does not mean letting the person who harmed you off the hook; it means that you’re allowing the past to be as it was, without a need to change it. Maybe you decide to bury a hatchet because your father or mother asked you to. “I haven’t spoken with my cousin in years," said Jerry, 62. "We had an argument so long ago I can’t even remember who did what; all I know is that we vowed never to see each other again. We don’t even go to the same family weddings. For years my mother said, ’Jerry, pick up the phone and call Evan. Life is too short!’ So as a special gift to my mother, I did just that. Little did I realize it was also a gift to Evan and to me…and to the entire family.”
Want more creative gift ideas for older adults that involve your time and attention rather than your money? See page 2, More Gift Ideas for Older Adults that Don't Cost a Dime.
