Gretta said, “Mom had always hoped to live all of her days in her home, filled with the memories of Dad and small children and happy holidays...and not so happy holidays. It just wasn’t safe any more. We moved her to a terrific retirement community that has everything she wants, including a beautiful garden. Still, she’s sad because it’s not what she had always imagined.”
It’s important to recognize that Gretta, too, could be holding onto a dream — of a healthy and independent mother — and now her dream is hard to let go of.
For many caregivers, acknowledging the loss of a dream can be as painful as losing the loved one, but allowing yourself to mourn the loss of your dream can bring healing.
Caregivers and their loved ones can still have hopes and dreams! They’re just different.
Maybe the hope for a cure is replaced with the hope for days (or hours, or moments) that are free of pain. Maybe it’s the dream that your fragmented family will come together and heal old wounds around the deathbed.
For caregivers and loved ones alike, state your dreams as attaining something you want, rather than avoiding something you don’t want. And as medical conditions change, it’s important to revisit the dream. If you’re disappointed about the course of events, ask “Is this the loss of a dream, or a hope I can fulfill?”
Always remember that being a caregiver is first and foremost about supporting the person you love.
Yes, you as a caregiver have hopes and dreams. But maybe the heart of being a caregiver is the willingness to fulfill the hopes and dreams — that vase filled with brilliant blooms — of those for whom you care, whether or not you hold the same vision.
Follow these tips, and you will be sure to hold onto your hopes and dreams. As a caregiver, just remember that no matter how desperate the situation, there is still hope for the dream. And while the dream will change as the condition of your loved one changes, there’s always hope.
Just as there’s always a flower to put in a vase.
Vicki Rackner, MD is a board-certified surgeon who left the operating room to focus on helping families transition from illness to optimal health. For more information, see www.drvicki.org.
