When to Seek Help with Grieving

If you feel overwhelmed by grieving, it's time to look for support

Q: I searched online for “help with grieving” and your grieving article popped up. After reading it, I still feel lost. My mother passed away in early 2008 and I am still trying to get through the pain. I found out a month after she passed that I was pregnant with my first child and I could only think that my son would not have a grandmother. My mom was the "glue" for our family; now we are distant and it hurts so much. This loss has even taken a toll on my relationships with friends and my boyfriend. I've become an angry person, I’m mad all the time and I can't find a way to suppress these feelings. I am afraid it’s going to affect my son. I feel like I need more guidance to cope with the pain of her not being here.

Amanda

Dear Amanda:
The grieving process is different for everyone. Some people move into acceptance faster than others, but as the days and months pass it’s OK to start feeling a little better. This doesn’t mean you aren’t still sad, or that you didn’t love your mom. It means that you recognize the need to keep putting one foot in front of the other as you continue on the path of raising your son and creating a balanced life. This includes taking care of yourself and your son, and having healthy relationships with friends and family.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms months or years after a loss, you may be stuck in grieving or depression:

• You spend much of your time thinking about your loss, even to the point of ignoring daily responsibilities.
• Active grieving continues for months or years; you feel sad, hopeless or angry most of the time.
• You have lost interest in daily activities or relationships.
• You feel guilty that you are still alive, or you feel guilty if you start to feel better, as if you are betraying your loved one.

Grieving a loss is normal, and going through stages of grief can be a healthy process toward healing. But when you start feeling stuck in grieving—angry, sad, or hopeless—it’s hard to make good decisions. I encourage you to seek help from a professional counselor, and here are suggestions to help you find one that specializes in grieving:

• If you have health insurance that covers counseling, call or look online to find participating grief counselors in your area. Look for someone who specializes in grief counseling.
• If you belong to a church or synagogue, ask if professional counseling is available.
• If you don’t have insurance or would prefer to pay privately, and money is an issue, look for counseling centers which offer services based on an individual’s financial situation. Also, many licensed counselors and therapists offer sliding scale fees; don’t be afraid to ask.
• Many people find comfort by joining a group of people who are also experiencing the grieving process. If this sounds like a good fit for you, look for grieving support groups in your community.

Simply recognizing that you need help with grieving and healing is the first positive step to feeling less angry and more loving toward yourself, and others.

How do you cope with grieving? Share your thoughts about healing from grieving with other Senior Living readers.