These funny quotes--by and for people 50-plus--were sent by my friend Phil Weintraub in Illinois.
"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'"
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol
"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
- Bob Hope
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill
"Maybe it's true that life begins at 50... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
-Herbert Henry Asquith
Do you have a favorite funny quote for people 50-plus? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll post it in Funny Quotes, Volume 2.